HomeEdit Messages & Buddies My World RankingWR Table My GamesJoin Public GameJoin Mid SeasonPrivate GamesInterested TeamsUpload Helmet [ List All Documents ] From time to time you will find that your car will suffer a mechanical failure either : In the pit-lane On the first lap of qualifying On lap 1 of a race Or, during a race ; The wheels, wings, brakes or engine will just fall out/off A routine pit-stop will take an extra 37 seconds, dropping you from 1st to 87th When one, or more of these incidents occur it will become clear to you that your pit crew need executing - here is the Official BATracer guide to killing the Useless B*stards First you need to spike their bedtime Horlicks (See Note 1). Once they are unconscious you can lay them out in a neat line and nail their feet to the base rail of the Execution Rack, and their shoulders to the back rail. You can also nail their hands to the rail that runs across the rack at just below knee height (Note 3)This stops them picking their (or each others) noses. Once they are all firmly nailed in place you can crane all 18 (Note 4) upright, place the nooses loosely around their necks and wait for them to regain consciousness. Once they're all awake and you've got their attention (You can wave a dead cat at them at this point, just to be sure) then slowly tighten the nooses and raise them so they are just off the ground. It is then a simple matter to run down the line and slit them all open from the breastbone to the groin, using a very sharp scalpel or a blunt plastic spoon. At this point they should all still be conscious, even though a large quantity of blood and body parts will have spilled onto the pit lane. You should now run up and down, splashing, skipping, singing and dancing with glee until they are all dead - if you want to help the process along by sticking your hands in your former mechanics stomach cavity, pulling bits out and rubbing them in their faces, then that's entirely up to you. Once they are all good and dead (or beforehand, if you're feeling a bit annoyed) then remove their heads and place them on spikes up and down the pit lane as a warning to those who follow. You now need a new pit crew (Note 5) They are usually on offer in Halfrauds. Note 1 : Always give your Pit Crew Horlicks at bedtime, and make sure they are in bed by 7.30pm, especially on Schooldays (Note 2) Note 2 : School is Very Important for Pit Crew - It's where they learn How Many Wheels Are On The F*cking Car ! (Subnote : You should still count the wheels on the car yourself, preferably before exiting the pitlane.) Note 3 : It comes as a surprise to many to find that when upright their Pit Crew's knuckles don't actually drag on the ground. Note 4 : No-one is quite sure why 18 is the ONLY suitable number for a pit crew, but experience shows that it just is. Any less than 18 and you haven't got enough to change a sodding lightbulb, let alone a set of tyres, and more than 18 it becomes impossible to stop them having sex with and/or eating each other. (Remember Ferrari showing off at Monaco in 1979 "Look at us, we're Ferrari, we've got Loadsamoney, we've got a Pit Crew of 247 !" - That went really well didn't it ?) Note 5 : Nobody is quite sure where pit crews come from, and DNA analysis is inconclusive, but if you look at the offspring of the ridiculous GP Gnome and his unfeasibly gangly and orc-like ex-wife then you might get a clue. It is believed that he grows them in vats. Possibly in Essex Regarding the above note : https://s1.cdn.autoevolution.com/images/news/bernie-and-slavica-ecclestone-divorce-in-58-seconds-4928_1.jpg Document created by Gus Sette. Last updated 9 Oct 2023. | |||
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